A LOSER'S LEGACY
Let's Make a Concession
ABOUT ME
Putting My Incompetence to Work
I’m Valentina Gomez! The only candidate honest enough to admit I have no clue what the actual fuck I’m doing. My résumé? A sixth-place finish in Missouri, a flamethrower obsession, and a talent for turning every campaign event into a fire hazard.
While others brag about policy experience, I brag about my ability to burn books on camera and alienate voters faster than you can say “weak and gay.” Missouri voters told me to pack it up, so I packed my camo vest, relocated to Texas, and decided to shoot for fifth place instead.
This site isn’t about leadership or vision. It’s about chronicling my failures, one concession speech at a time. Because if losing is a skill, I’ve mastered it.
My Track Record of Losing
Let me go into a little more detail:
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My Team: A flamethrower, some camo pants, and a social media account that keeps getting flagged for hate speech.
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My Services: Book burning, baseless election denial, and alienating voters across multiple states.
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My Story: In 2024, I ran for Missouri Secretary of State. I finished sixth out of eight. Some people would’ve quit. I decided to take my losing talents to Texas.
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What Makes Me Different: While other candidates talk about jobs, schools, or healthcare, I focus on what really matters, setting things on fire and saying “weak and gay” into a camera.
I don’t stand out because I’m good. I stand out because I’m the walking definition of a political dumpster fire.
My Past
Every candidate has a story. Mine just happens to be a never-ending blooper reel. While others boast about qualifications, I brag about how quickly I can alienate an entire voter base with a flamethrower and a bad catchphrase.
I didn’t build a professional journey. I built a trail of smoke, ash, and sixth-place finishes.
My Smarts
Degree
University Name
Degree
University Name
Degree: YouTube University
Major: Screaming into a camera
Highlights: Learned how to film myself jogging in a vest I didn’t earn, rant about “weak and gay” people, and tag human traffickers for clout.
Degree: Facebook Memes & Misinformation
Major: Election Denial
Highlights: Baselessly claimed ballots were being printed for “dead people and illegals.” Successfully turned conspiracy theories into campaign ads that even Missouri Republicans found embarrassing.
Degree
University Name
Degree: Advanced Book Burning
University: Backyard Fires 101
Highlights: Mastered the art of setting LGBTQ-themed books on fire while pretending it was “policy.” Lost an election anyway.
Alexa Young, CA
“She said ‘weak and gay,’ and I felt seen. No candidate has ever validated my fragile masculinity like that. Five stars.”
Morgan (Ex-Girlfriend), NY
She kissed like she was mad at my face, her breath reeked of Monster Energy Drink, and funny enough, she just got dumped by another woman. So, it's clear she's hiding something.
Lisa Driver, MI
“I didn’t think it was possible to come in sixth place and still act cocky, but she pulled it off. Valentina losing felt like the first time Missouri voters and common sense got together for a date.”
Final Concession
And now, here is why this campaign website exists: to make history as the very first campaign concession website for 2026. Why wait until Election Day when I can skip the suspense and get straight to what I do best, losing.
Ladies and gentlemen, voters, trolls, and hate-followers, thank you for joining me on this journey from sixth place in Missouri to, hopefully, fifth in Texas.
I stand before you today with the same qualities I started with: no policies, no plans, and no clue. I don’t know how government works. I don’t know how elections are won. The only thing I’ve ever mastered is losing, and turning other people’s rights into kindling.
Missouri laughed me out of the room. Texas is about to do the same. And that’s okay, because conceding is my brand. Some candidates dream of winning. I dream of perfecting the art of losing loudly.
So here it is, my final promise to you: I will keep running, keep burning, and keep failing until history remembers me, not as a leader, not as a fighter, but as the woman who turned concession speeches into a career.
I’m Valentina Gomez, and I proudly concede…again.
